Yesterday my heart broke in half. I had to make yet another decision I never thought I would have to make again. As most of you know Ella Bella was my baby girl. My monkey (as I sometimes called her) for the past 12 years. She’s been through a lot with me. Traveled, pool parties, runs and grew with me as an adult. She’s been everything to me and also a big part of my parents lives who took her in while I traveled to Guam and Wyoming.
I knew something was wrong with her this week. She was acting funny and seemed uncomfortable so I made her an appointment to be seen right away. Wednesday night after getting the kids to sleep I laid, cried and slept with her on the living room floor knowing something wasn’t right. Thursday morning after dropping off the kiddos I picked Ella up into the truck (boy she was a big girl) and headed to the vets. As I was nervously waited for the Doc to return with the test results I just prayed that she wasn’t in pain and that I didn’t miss something that has been going on for awhile. With tears in my eyes I knew it wasn’t good when I saw her face walking toward me. They found Ella’s liver covered in cancer and a mass on her spleen. My poor baby girl. I broke down and laid with her again in the room for hours not wanting to hear what I need to do and what is best for her. I rubbed her soft ears that I loved so much as she laid on my lap and cried. Yesterday I lost my baby girl. I know it was best but so painful seeing her go.
Not only did I lose Ella this month, I also lost Coco our rottie, our protector, our old lady porch dog. Oct 1st I had to rush Coco to Tufts because she was retaining fluid and couldn’t walk. Tufts found a mass on her spleen and a neurological problem with her back side. I thought she had fallen from running up and down the stairs. I didn’t think it was that bad. After keeping her over night at Tufts it came down that making a decision- if I do surgery would she live a quality life afterwards. Docs informed me that what they saw the prognosis wasn’t good. So I had to say good bye to Coco who entered our lives in Guam. That girl- did some traveling and some running. We all have stories and memories of chasing her. lol Oh Coco Bean! She was a fast one.
I know this isn’t a fun lifestyle or gorgeous wedding post but in between all the beauty is life and we never talk about the struggles or the messiness life brings to us. And today I need to let this all out. I bottle up a lot of my emotions and don’t like to talk about them on social media. I know it isn’t healthy so for the first time I am publicly telling the internet world another piece of our world Joe and I never shared on social media or a blog. It was too painful to write. We blame ourselves.
We both were working a lot, it was wedding season for me, Joe was working long hours and any other time we had we were building our tiny home to create a better future. Two years ago in October (again) we lost our Harley Boy, which was our 4 year old rottie. He wondered (which is not like him to go near the road) and got hit by a car. Joe rushed him to the vets and stayed with him until late that night. Harley came home a day later with no broken bones but to rest and take it easy. He was such a beast of a dog. The next day I knew he felt uncomfortable and I rushed him back to the vets after Hailey’s doctor appointment. On my way, he passed in the car. From the accident his stomach and intestines twisted and caused him to pass. After Harley’s loss Joe and I told ourselves to never put work before family again.
Three of our babies gone in 2 years. Three. Last night I couldn’t sleep and kept asking myself why was this happening. Why did my babies have to go right now? Today my heart aches more thinking about this all. Dogs become part of you. Part of your family. Last night my house felt so empty. It was missing my fur babies. I am sadden and hurt by their loss but glad they are not in pain or suffering anymore. Everything happened too fast. I know we gave them all a great life and we did all that we could have done for them.
Saying goodbye isn’t easy.
Here are a few memories of our babies….